So There I was

Preaching the Gospel in a Friends Church. It was the 1990’s I was still in my thirties. I loved preaching the Gospel. It was a beautiful spring morning, the house was full, the meeting felt gathered, the message I had brought come out smoothly. I was grateful for having been used. It was a good day.

After Worship an older lady took me aside.

“I really appreciated your message, Peggy. I really appreciate your ministry in general. But May I tell you something?”

“Of Course”

“I only tell you this because I know you are a mature Christian and I know you can hear my heart in this.” (I have now learned that this is always your warning to escape)

“OK”

“I know that you care about presenting God’s Truth. I know that you would not want anything to hinder your ministry. I know you would be open to ridding your ministry of any distractions.”

“Well, I guess I would. Are you aware of such a distraction?”

“Yes, honey. It’s how you present yourself, it’s how you look.”

“Really – I had no idea” I gazed down at myself. I was wearing sensible pumps, hose, and a business suit. It was robin’s egg blue, but it was exactly the style of suit that any lawyer would wear in court, or that I did in fact wear as a professional counselor.

“I think you may not be aware of what a distraction you are to the men sitting in the pews. Men have trouble with their thought-lives sometimes, and we women have to help them. It’s our job to not put a ‘stumbling block’ in front of them.”

“I’m a little confused.”

“Well, let me speak plainly then, I think your ministry would be greatly enhanced, if you would dress a little more modestly, less fashionably, gain a few pounds, and stop coloring your hair – maybe put it up. I think the men could receive your fine preaching much better if you changed the package a bit.”

I stood there in stunned silence. I think I may have actually thanked her for her input. I may have promised to take it under consideration.
It wasn’t the first time I had heard this theory, but it was certainly the most personal and blunt exposition I had encountered.

I was sure it was just a fluke, a left field thing. So I took it to my spiritual director -a very wise Quaker woman and minister. She disagreed about adding poundage, an obvious health issue, but acknowledged that we are to be thoughtful in how we present ourselves. She didn’t argue too hard against the point. She thought there was a core of truth in it. She did encourage me to “rise above” the critical, and to her thinking, possibly jealous presentation. Her nuanced, gentle and gracious response only modified the basic premise that it was my job to at least consider that my physical appearance might be a problem for someone else’s thought life, and that I might want to do something about it. I was flummoxed.

As I sat with the thing, and prayed about the thing, it didn’t get any better.
The first realization I came to was the obvious and screaming inequality of the thing. Never, in my decades in the church, had I ever heard a male minister criticized for simply looking too good. Male preachers obviously did better when they were physically attractive. My sense of justice objected. I just don’t like double standards.

But this observation did not seem to address the issue thoroughly. Something else still bothered me. I didn’t figure it out until a couple of years later, while taking some training in addictions recovery.
The problem is Co-Dependency.

Co-dependency is the flipside of addiction. They feed and fuel each other.

Co-dependency is defined like this. Somebody has a problem with their desire mechanism. But they can’t or won’t admit it. So someone else near to them, who doesn’t have the primary problem starts changing their behavior in order to make the problem or the consequences of the problem go away.

So say I like to get drunk. It causes me problems. But I don’t see it as a problem or I won’t do anything about it. You live with me. You see the problem clearly. But you can’t or won’t make me take responsibility for it. So you search out my hidden booze and pour it down the sink. I buy more booze. You call my boss and make excuses when I am late because my problem embarrasses you and threatens our livelihood. You yell at me a lot. But I do not change and say that your nagging ways drive me to drink. It gets worse

The real problem with co-dependency is that it does not work. It is completely ineffective. In fact it perpetuates the very behavior it chooses to address. This is what happens when the person with the power to change a behavior – the person doing the behavior – does not take responsibility for it. The person who is putting all the effort into the problem actually has no power to change the problem.

They will go crazy trying.

The answer is for the person with the problem to deal with the problem, and for everyone else to let them have their consequences, let them feel the discomfort until they want to do something about it. It is “Let go and let God”. This works.

If women cover in an attempt to ‘help’ men with their thought-life problem – willingly as in some churches, or unwillingly if you have the Taliban around – all it does is allow men to be lazy about self-regulation. And it won’t work. Because as we all know if you cover shoulders, arms become sexy. If you cover knees, ankles become very sexy. Sexy is in the brain of the beholder and that is where the change needs to take place.

Maybe.

Because actually, there is nothing wrong with sexy. All God’s creatures have it. Sexy only becomes a problem when it gets in the way of other things that God also made, Like you ability to listen.
Like your commitment to equality.

When sexy becomes so big in your brain that it crowds out those things then what you have is a problem with idolatry.
And nobody can fix that but you.